Corey Haim has died.

Who?

Ya know, that dude who starred in the “Lost Boys” in the 80s and a few other flicks.

Oh.

Who cares?

I’m sure there’s people that do, but let’s be honest, the guy was a total fuck up. He had it all and threw it away.

Which got me to thinking, there was never a Saturday morning cartoon based on this Corey or that other Corey (Feldman). Could you imagine a cartoon with those two in it?

The 80s were full of cartoons based on real-life fuck ups and has-beens. Remember that Dukes of Hazzard cartoon? Or the one based on Punky Brewster?

I almost forgot about the motherload of cartoons based on 80s fuck ups:

If only they made a cartoon about his co-stars, Dana Plato and Todd Bridges.

In this day and age of frivolous lawsuits, combined with everyone’s growing ADD and an “I want it NOW” attitude, a law firm in this area has come up with the genius concept of including a drive through window:

One has to wonder what kind of “Happy Meal” is on their menu.

Reading Rainbow was the shit back in the day! It was always cool to see kids my age (then) review good books. Although, I don’t recall this one at my school’s library:

It’s a great way to relieve stress!

I’m feeling scientific.

12 Things You Didn’t Know About Boobs

BEWBS!!!!

For the past month or so, the federal gub’mint has been advertising for Census takers for the 2010 Census. All you have to do is go to different people and ask them a bunch of mundane questions…it’s kind of like a Myspace survey. If the gub’mint was smart, they’d send out the Census as a Myspace survey, that way they’d get millions of replies. Although, I don’t think the questions will be as scientific like, “Was your first kiss awkward?” or “What kind of car do you drive?” While I do find it kind of ironic that millions of people are unemployed just in time for the Census, it seems like a good way to get some gub’mint money without actually doing anything, kind of like being on welfare.

With all that being said, all this Census nonsense made me think of an old “Three Stooges” short in which they are Census takers. I have a feeling this is how some of them will actually act:

Here’s a Cryptic Bullshit prediction: You’ll be hearing stories about Census takers being rude or trying to talk their way into a bedroom.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!!

I always thought Janice from the Muppet Show was hot…does this mean I’m WRONG?!?!?!

From MSNBC.com:

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – Puppet cleavage has been ruled out for advertising posters in Colorado Springs bus shelters.

“Avenue Q” is a Tony-winning musical about twentysomething New Yorkers, both human and puppets, searching for life and love.

Wow…what would they think about this:

Perhaps they should have used that puppet for sex-ed.

Where have I been??

Ya know, doing the usual…working, being a dad, NOT blogging. I guess I should have blogged more often, but unlike some of you, *I* have a life. Wait…that was kinda mean, wasn’t it? The truth is, I didn’t have shit to write about…don’t get me wrong, I COULD have wrote something, but if it wasn’t up to my usual half-assed standards, then YOU, the reader, wouldn’t have gotten your money’s worth (like any of you PAY to read this drivel). These past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least…and there almost was an entry that would have shattered the barrier that is my personal life for the whole world to see…but it was too long, and I’m much too lazy to write something that long unless there was a fire lit under my ass…which there almost was.

Which brings me to today, Valentine’s Day. Oh, I have a special someone who gave birth to MY special someone. But what about you, lonely internet troll? Is there a special someone that you’re bonking or wish to bonk? What are you waiting for? Get the courage to ask him or her and commence with the bonking!!

I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s the most useless “holiday” next to Arbor Day or Boxing Day (Why do we Americans need reminded of holidays that don’t mean jack to us??). I could care less that there is a holiday devoted to people like Mike Tyson, give me a holiday that encourages eating and spending money…THAT’S the right way to spend a holiday, by gummit!!

I hate Valentine’s Day because, like Christmas, it’s another day devoted to people bitching about what they don’t have. In this case, it’s a “special” someone or something that’s missing by either divorce, breaking up, AIDS, being fugly, or what have you. For the past week, I have seen Facebook status updates with people griping about how they hate this time of year because they are lonely…well, get off Facebook and go out and meet someone!! Hell, go on eharmony.com and fill out one of those charisma matches or something. There’s something for everyone…when I say someTHING instead of someONE, I have seen some…terrible looking people out there, especially at Wa-Mart. I imagine they’d be like, “Holy shit we’re fugly, let’s hook up because, let’s face it, who’d want us??” That’s not to say yours truly is a sexy beast, I’m not, I’m just awesome and can charm the pants of a nun…and I have!! (Not really).

Let’s face it, looks fade, things sag, and so on. It’s called life, and some of you who are bitching about it need to get one! I’m 34 years old, I have a few more aches and pains that I used to, I’m still blessed with a full head of hair that’s a bit gray in some places…but I don’t sit and bitch because it’s a part of getting older. You single ladies out there who complain about your “clock’s ticking” and wanting a ring put on it need to STFU. Ever think that it’s YOU?? That you’re the reason that you’re single and that no dude wants anything to do with you because you’re a bitch? Seriously, us dudes love the poontang, but when it comes right down to it, we want a chick that can make us laugh and that we can chill with, not depress us into an early grave.

Guys, the same principle goes for you. Quit being douchebags, quit trying to score with someone 20 years younger than you, and for the love of God bathe at least everyday!! Also, it helps if you pretend that you’re NOT that star athlete who scored 5 touchdowns in one game 30 years ago, no one cares anymore!!

If some people could get over themselves, the world would be a much better place…but that’s like wishing for a million dollars given to you by a naked Megan Fox. The same thing will happen next year, people bitching and griping, rinsing and repeating. However, there are some of those who’ll shut up, hook up and bless us with some horrendous looking children who’ll more than likely be babysat by the retard box in the living room.

So, for those of you are who griping about VD (heh), go out and mingle and find someone just as pathetic as you are…it has worked for people that has been mentioned on this blog, and it’ll work for you!

Mel Gibson is back with what appears to be a return to his roots, a kick-ass action flick. However, it seems he can’t get away from being well…Fuhrer-esque. Check out the line at 2:23 in the below trailer:

As some of you may know, Mel Gibson has been criticized in the past for being anti-Semitic…and well, that little line there doesn’t help his cause, does it?

Mel, can you at least turn down the volume on your Mein Kampf?

We love ya, always have…however, it’s our wits that make us men.

This entry may piss alot of people off…and some might think I’m a cold, heartless SOB.

Oh well, I’ve been called and thought of as worse.

Natural disasters have been happening for centuries, since the dawn of something crawling on the dirt and evolving into what we now call “man.” If something happened to a nation, they were pretty much fucked. No aid, no money, no celebrities donating millions of dollars and writing songs about them…NADA!

In this day and age, we have people who have a bit of cash and adopting babies from other countries where there are children here who’d love to have a home. They call them their sons or daughters, I call them status symbols. You want to be charitable? Rescue a child from an abusive home…or one from an orphanage right here in the States, then we’ll talk.

Which brings me to all the aid going to Haiti. Having aid go to another country isn’t wrong in and of itself. However, let’s flip to the other side of the coin. Let’s say the United States had a natural disaster of epic proportions…would other countries come to our aid? Would other countries celebrities donate to our cause? Adopt children from here who are in terrible situations?

All signs point to “no.”

It’s no secret that the United States is the most hated country in the world. Buuuuut…when something bad happens other countries look at us to bail them out. They look to our celebrities to come and donate millions of dollars in relief to aid them.

Quite a contradiction, eh?

Which is why I have formed the opinion that some countries are welfare cheat cases. They abuse, cheat, and have harsh opinions of the United States, but when they need something…they expect a handout. When the aid gets there, there are reports of that aid being used for things other than relief.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of these douchebags who go around chanting, “USA! USA! USA!” Nor do I harbor any political agendas or ideals…it just pisses me off when there are problems here at home and some choose to ignore them and help some other country. It is sad that terrible things happen to other countries and people. But, terrible things happen here, too…everyday. I’m sure there are those that donate time and money only here in the States, but sadly, those people aren’t featured in the news everyday. I don’t see commercials encouraging people to adopt a starving, abused, homeless child here in the States.

Call me an elitist, an anarchist, or whatever. But ask yourself this, if someone physically attacked you or your child, or called you names or whatnot…then all of a sudden asked for a handout in their time of need…what would you do?